Anger Counseling and Management

One out of five Americans has an anger management problem. Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" our perception of an attack or threat to our well being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the mismanagement of anger. Mismanaged anger and rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal and professional relationships.

Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged.

Primary vs. Secondary Feelings

Perhaps the most helpful thing to remember about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always feel something else first before we get angry.

We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger.

Generally speaking, secondary feelings do not identify the unmet emotional need. When all I can say is "I feel angry," neither I nor any one else knows what would help me feel better. A helpful technique, then, is to always identify the primary emotion. WHY one feels angry is because of primary emotions like "I feel threatened," or "I feel used," or "I feel deceived."

Some psychologists recommend a balanced approach to anger, which both controls the emotion and allows the emotion to express itself in a healthy way. Some anger management strategies are:

Direct: This would include making behavior visible and making communication clear. The end result is to not become resentful, but rather, be honest about the feeling of anger and what is causing it.
Honorable: This includes identifying the moral basis for the anger, and being willing to dialog around the reason for the anger. In short, this includes taking responsibility for actions.
Focused: This means staying with the issue of concern, and not bringing up irrelevant material.
Courageous: This implies careful and thoughtful self-examination. Additionally, this means being willing to admit when one is wrong or when a reaction is inappropriate.
Humility: This means seeking the truth instead of merely being defensive, and self-justifying.
Forgiveness: This means acknowledging the wrong in someone else's behavior or words and then letting go of bitterness and resentment associated with that wrong.
Listen: This means hearing the other person out, asking questions around their feelings and their reasons for their action.
Thankfulness: This means finding elements related to the situation where one is genuinely appreciative and expressing that.

I-statements can be used to voice one's feelings and wishes from a personal position without expressing a judgment about the other person or blaming one's feelings on them. They are the core of Parent Effectiveness Training (PET), precluding countless parent-child conflicts. Since one is not blaming, the rug is pulled out from under the anger—now it's a feeling one has, not an accusation one makes. It helps if the one listening uses active listening. Active Listening is a special way of reflecting back what the other person has said, to let him or her know that you're listening and to check your understanding of what s/he means. It is a restatement of the other person's total communication: the words of the message plus the accompanying feelings. This also is at the core of PET.

If you choose to let me help you with anger issues, I can help you learn to find the underlying feeling. Once you find this, it can lead to actions that can address the primary underlying emotion, thereby reducing or eliminating the action. I can also teach you I-statements, active listening, problem solving skills, etc. All this will help you manage anger effectively.

Anger Counseling is one of many Healing Services that can be used in Family Counseling and general Counseling.